UpState New York Posts THIS Special Report

 

I just heard THIS    SPECIAL report:

NY has declared a STATE OF EMERGENCY: This JUST in:

For BROOME COUNTY: Because of the time of year called WINTER, it will be fucking COLD. If this is news to you, WAL-MART is extending it’s mandatory hours for ILLEGAL ALIENS ONLY….those without green cards will be forced to work a 23 hour shift (but will be paid under the NEW OBAMA WAGES of $12 an hour plus Obama healthcare benefits and overtime) so the rest of the state can go out and… finally by shovels and warm clothing.

Said State Assembly Man Republican Dan Whitehood: “It is time this county realized some responsibility and bought some coats and hats and gloves for their children… Police have been instructed to arrest and fine and possibly jail Wal-Mart shoppers whose children are clad only in diapers. Meanwhile, taxes WILL be raised to fix some of the potholes around the area that are currently being used as homeless shelters.”

In other WEATHER NEWS, ice is expected as water DOES freeze  when temperatures dip this low. Rising asphalt and exploding pavement due to typical weather patterns and maniacal salt spreading in our haste to further destroy the environment by attempting to prevent the inevitable will completely halt traffic patterns throughout all communities.

In a fiendish move, New York will be raising fines and penalties for rust on vehicles (in accordance with Pennsylvania standards) and adding a mandatory $45 yearly suspension check to all vehicles which MUST be passed prior to a new registration being issued. With that and the rising taxation on gas prices, Nike and Adidas plan to RAISE their sneaker prices and several pop stars are going to be coming out in Spring with their own pricey lines of Bicycles.

Again, a reminder, Punxsutawney Phil DID see his shadow this year, predicting six MORE weeks of winter and thus was made into a very hearty and presumably tasty stew.

In OTHER news, an unusual gathering of white, fluffy things that meteorologists are debating MAY be called “clouds” are anticipated to dump something that has become known surprisingly this year as “snow” on us and most people will be homicidal and severely depressed as they commute to work in first gear at 4 miles an hour four hours early tomorrow morning.

And, finally, Dista Pharmaceuticals and the FDA are thinking about releasing PROZAC onto the market WITHOUT a prescription. Insiders report that Over-the -Counter drug trials have long been going well as Congress has used this as an additive in their water coolers for years now. The only negative is the growing rate of the individuals in Congress themselves and, of course, the admitted shortage of Prozac reported by Dista Pharmaceuticals and the fact that it may take up to five years to replace the stock used up and backordered by our elected officials.