Who Is That Masked Intruder?

I woke up at THREE AM. 

Again.

I decided that perhaps I needed to do some relaxing self care rituals.

LAST time I was up at  three am I thought it would be a great time to disassemble and clean the oven. Neither the oven nor I have fully recovered and there are still parts randomly hanging around the kitchen that originated from somewhere deep within the bowels of the oven that are ill fated never to be returned.

Lesson learned was no more home cleaning ideas in the wee hours.

So, self care it shall be.

I haven’t dyed my hair in so long it looks as if someone took a grey wicker broom and dunked it half way up in pale yellow paint. Not my finest facade.

I mixed up my hair dying gloop, painted it on and added in tin foil tips for good measure. I tell myself this is giving me the hair salon experience, and YouTube highly recommends the foil finish, but I have not the faintest idea why. When I was finished, my hair stuck out in pointy silver crests and I sort of  resembled  a bad rendition of the Statue of Liberty.

I added in a nice teal colored slimy aloe and green tea infused under eye pads for each eye. They are designed to suck out the puffiness and rejuvenate the luggage that hangs around under my eyes. I think these pads MIGHT just glow in the dark but they feel absolutely fabulous.

I plucked my eyebrows and put on a cooling layer of oatmeal pomade to soothe what had just been a horrific unibrow. My now precise arched brow duo marinated pleasantly in the fluffy cream colored goo.

I used a depilatory cream under my nose. I have never met my biological father, but I have a strong suspicion he is at least part Yeti. I applied a nice thick foam of cucumber cream under my nose to soothe the raw patch where a fluffy tuft of blonde hair had been. I added I a tea bag over my nose to drain black heads and leaned my head back on the couch.

I must have dozed off in a heavenly bliss of self care.

I woke up to my  college-aged son shrieking at the top of his lungs and standing over me with a baseball bat.

He thought I was an intruder. 

Or an alien.

I think that added ten more years to my look and regreyed all my hair…